Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
