I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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