Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
