My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
