I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
