if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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