She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
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