he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
