I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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