Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
