Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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