My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
