i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
