i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
