Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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