I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
