Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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