I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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