Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
