my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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