The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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