so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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