last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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