everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
