I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Randomize
