omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
