The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
