No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
