My friends, they love my intelligence
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
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