wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
