I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I haven't been this sober since birth.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
