i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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