Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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