Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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