i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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