I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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