Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
