Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
