He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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