woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
