GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
