I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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