oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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