i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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