theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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