i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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