We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
