im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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