I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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