could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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