Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
