i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
