if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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