you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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